So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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