Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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