I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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