I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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