Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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