my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
