I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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