I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
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