i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
3pm strippers are depressing
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
