I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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