if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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