your thong is hanging out like whoa
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So many bounce houses so little time
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
