it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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