im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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