hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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