why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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