Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
