How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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