oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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