Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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