Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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