i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
