Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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