yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
