If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
