I want to make a zoo with you.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
