My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
