This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
