the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
They took my balls.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
