True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
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I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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