You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.