im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush