just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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