i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
