Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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