Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sex in a hospital.. check
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize