So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
