So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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