i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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