Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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