as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
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i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
