actually, I'm a sock model
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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