i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
