You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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