If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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