Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
