I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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