my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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