"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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