FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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