woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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