1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
