i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
