I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
