I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
