there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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