I met the friendliest cop last night
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
