I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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