i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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