I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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