I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
