The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
