Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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