good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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