rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
