My room smells like vodka and shame
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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