Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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