I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me